At the start of every school year, (or if we’re very organised, the end of the previous one) we write a letter to the girls’ new teachers, filling them in on their background and giving them information on things that the girls are likely to find helpful and unhelpful. This ensures they have at least had the opportunity to gather information, talk to us, and prepare. Here’s one of this year’s.
Dear Miss X
We thought it would be helpful to provide you with some additional background information about Joanna. She is bright, funny and fabulous, but also has some challenges.
As you know, Joanna is adopted. She was taken into care in 2011, aged [X], having experienced neglect and domestic violence. Life in her birth family was quite chaotic with lots of moves and family members appearing and disappearing. She and Charlotte had just one foster placement, which lasted 18 months, before they moved to live with us in 2013.
The girls have a half-brother, Tom, who is in a different long-term foster care placement. They have only letterbox contact with him – i.e. we exchange letters/ drawings/photos via social services. This is next due to happen in October, and the reminder that they no longer see each other is upsetting for Joanna. Her behaviour can be a bit more turbulent for about a week afterwards – we’ll use the home/school book to make sure you know when it’s happening.
Because of the risk of being traced by her birth family, it is also very important that Joanna’s photo doesn’t appear online, and that other parents are reminded not to put pictures or video on social media whenever they are likely to be filming or photographing the class at assemblies, concerts, plays, sports day, and when class photos are sent home. (This is often overlooked and causes us to panic!)
Though Joanna has generally settled extremely well, she often finds transitions (i.e. moving between activities, people, and places) especially difficult. Changes from the routine such as mufti days and lessons at [the nearby secondary school] can make her anxious. Other topics likely to be upsetting for Joanna which might crop up at school include:
- family trees
- family resemblances
- [town] (where she lived previously)
- evacuees/refugees having to leave dangerous situations
When she is struggling with big emotions she lets adults know by stamping, shouting and occasionally being violent. Miss Y and Mrs Z will have told you their strategies for helping Joanna with these times of anxiety. Do feel free to talk them through with us too if that would be helpful.
Because of the uncertainty she lived with at an early age, Joanna shows some signs of hypervigilance, i.e. always needing to know what is happening, who is where within the room, etc., in order to feel settled and able to concentrate. She finds loud noises frightening because she associates them with arguments and violence in her birth family. She will find it helpful to sit near an adult whenever possible, and to be in a position where she can see a lot of the room, so she can monitor what is happening and isn’t distracted by turning round to check that she’s safe whenever there is a noise.
Other things that are helpful to Joanna include:
- knowing the timetable for the day and avoiding surprises
- warnings when an activity is about to end (‘five minutes left…’, ‘one minute left…’)
- talking about resilience and ‘the power of yet’ when she is struggling with work
- lots of positive reinforcement (verbal and stickers) when she does things well/has a good day
We have found it helpful to have a brief face-to-face handover with one of the classroom staff at about 8.35/8.40 each morning so we can all be up-to-date. If there’s anything else we can do, or if you have any questions, please let us know. Joanna’s therapist is in school every week and will also be keen to talk to you and offer any help she can. If you have any time to read about attachment that would be amazing. Louise Bombèr’s books are particularly teacher-friendly and practical, and school has copies of them.
Hannah and Pete Meadows
I hope this is helpful to those writing these letters for the first time. I’ve made it available for download here so you can use it as a starting point for writing a letter about your own child(ren).
If you’ve written this sort of letter before, what else did you include? Please let me know in the comments.