This is another one of those embarrassing topics that make everyone feel a bit awkward. We live in a culture that encourages us to be self-sufficient and hate asking for help. We don’t want to look needy or grabby, and we don’t like admitting that we don’t have everything under control.
This is a bit bonkers. Of course we all need help sometimes. So I’m going to just dive straight in. Please ensure you are wearing your anti-embarrassment suit. Ready? Good.
So. Every now and again I find myself in conversation with someone who knows the girls are adopted, asks ‘How’s it going?’, and actually wants to hear the truth.
Nuanced small-talk-type social skills not being my forté (I am an INTJ to the core), I often struggle to differentiate between these people and the ones who’d prefer to hear the sanitised rainbows-and-unicorns happily-ever-after adoption story that gives us all a permanent joyful radiance springing from the satisfaction of parenting our little cherubs.
I forget that people generally just want to be lied to with a ‘Fine!’ and often only work this out a sentence or two too late when the unicorn people excuse themselves from the conversation in search of someone normal to talk to about their own little Delicate Daisy’s ballet/harp lessons, with a poorly-masked horror when I mention that I’ve been asked to pop in and see the head because Joanna threw a chair at her teacher again.
But once I’ve got that sorted, the good’uns sometimes ask ‘So, what can I do?’. Again, some say this and don’t want an honest answer. But those rare creatures who are genuinely asking are to be encouraged.
And then another problem: it’s difficult to gauge the level of commitment they’re offering. Do I ask for a home-cooked meal for four, or two minutes’ keeping an eye on them while I speak to a teacher? A coffee after the morning school run, or a weekend’s respite care?
Ever practical and resourceful (that INTJ thing again) I’d love to be able to have a wishlist handy to give to people so they can pick something appropriate. I have just about enough social nous, however, to know people would find that weird. So usually I just say, ‘Oh, I don’t think there’s anything, thanks’, or I make a joke, such as ‘a clone’, ‘alcohol’ or ‘sedatives’ with a nod in the children’s direction. (I’ve already asked the GP for those. She said no. Worth a try.)
But I’ve written a wishlist anyway, in hopes that other adopters who wish for the same kinds of things can use my words to ask for help in a nice socially acceptable way (because we love a bit of indirectness, don’t we?). Some are things people can buy and leave on the doorstep and run away, if they struggle with knowing what to say (I know how this feels). Others are practical things that are more of a time commitment but make a massive difference. These things usually fall to my parents and one local friend, and I’d dearly love to share things out a bit more so I feel less guilt about relying on them so heavily. I have some lovely friends who live too far away to see often, and when I share our latest tribulations on Facebook, chocolates, cakes and biscuits start to appear in the post. This is kind and wonderful and I am very grateful (especially for the liqueur chocolates – they will always be welcome). But our friends-who-send-comestibles often say these things come from feeling too far away to help ‘properly’, and not knowing what else they can do.
So, if you’re offering, here are some ideas – a mix of things to suit those far and near.
1. Childcare. Pick the girls up after school and take them out for a drink and a biscuit so I can have an extra hour’s peace.
2. Coffee. Take me out for a drink and a biscuit and listen without judgement while I tell you how hard it is to live with children who won’t let us parent them. Or if you’re sick of hearing about it, a Starbucks gift card (so I can treat myself after a horrendous school run) also works.
3. Ironing. I always have a mountain of it and am always too tired to do it.
4. Gardening – again, time prevents us keeping the garden under control. Any help there would be amazing.
5. DIY. Specifically, one or two of the little mending jobs we have on a rolling list. The bedroom door that sticks because it’s been slammed too often. The new toilet seat that needs fitting because the girls broke the hinges of the old one. The repainting where they’ve scratched their way up the stairs.
6. Amazon vouchers/book tokens. Because adoptive parents do a huge amount of reading to research how to help their children. Our library service can get hold of some books for us, but not all of the specialist stuff, and often we get them in Kindle form because then we can afford twice as many.
7. Printer ink cartridges. Because of the printing and photocopying of endless forms and letters to try and get help for the children.
8. Small (A5ish) colouring books/sticker books/bubble pots/I-Spy books/fidget toys that the children can use in waiting rooms/at church/on the train/etc. Stuff I can have in my handbag to deploy easily to prevent meltdowns (see this post about the contents of my handbag). Blowing bubbles in particular helps them regulate their breathing and calm down when they’re getting overwhelmed/stressed out/stroppy – great on the way home from school if they’ve had a hard day.
9. Water bottles for the girls’ birthday/Christmas presents because they are always losing them.
Please know that I hate asking – both out of pride (because I like to think that I am superwoman even when the evidence suggests otherwise) and out of a fear of seeming demanding and grabby and whiny and a hundred other unpleasant adjectives. And that if you do any of these things I will be more grateful than I can express. And that if you’ve read this far I love you already. Thank you.
An extra message for churches
Please get hold of the free booklet ‘Supporting those who adopt or foster’ and give it to everyone who is willing to read it, and certainly all the leaders and pastoral care people. I can’t recommend it highly enough. Details are on my resources page here.
Fellow adoptive parents: what else would you put on your wishlist? I’d love it if you shared your ideas in the comments.
My post was inspired by this one by Pamela Wendel.
Amazon links are affiliated.