It’s the morning after Adoption Sunday and I’m still upset. My Facebook and Twitter timelines are peppered with stories from Home for Good and their advocates, calling on people to adopt and celebrating gatherings around tables, which has been this year’s theme.
I used to be among them. I have spoken at church, encouraging others to adopt and foster. And yet this year it all rings hollow for me. Why? Because after these gatherings around tables – to use their metaphor – who stays to help with the washing up?
As I said during National Adoption Week, the recruitment of new adoptive parents and foster carers has to go hand in hand with the recruitment of people who will provide genuine support to those families. Not just childcare for toddlers, not just a lasagne and a toy when the children move in. Full-on, long-lasting support.
- Support that mows the lawn and mends the holes kicked in the doors and walls.
- Support that’s there when you need to talk without being judged.
- Support that comes to training with you to learn to cope appropriately with dysregulated older children.
- And yes, support that sometimes cleans the kitchen too.
- Support from the sort of people you can be authentic with, instead of perpetuating the ‘adopters are superhuman’ idea that some seem to have.
Where are these people?
The rhetoric says that this is what is available to us at church. But it just isn’t. I don’t know where these people are. Lots of people we talk to at church (when we’re able to get there) say ‘that sounds difficult’. I believe a precious few genuinely pray for us regularly. But who is there we can call when Joanna runs out of our front gate and across the park? Who will come and help us find her and bring her home?
In an emergency of course we’d call the police. But we’d rather have friends. We’d rather there were people at church who celebrated with us the Sundays we were able to get there, and helped us engage the children in some calm, low-key way, perhaps having lunch with us occasionally, lending us their presence so we could get home safely without the usual post-church transition meltdowns that are some of the most dangerous, violent and frightening we see?In an emergency of course we'd call the police. But we'd rather have friends. Click To Tweet
Church as family
Home for Good have an excellent booklet on support which I plug whenever I discuss this subject. I recommend it. But I would dearly love to see them go further, taking the focus off the prospective adopters and foster carers alone and talking about who we are as the church, and how we are family to those who are struggling. Not just children who have come from care, but adoptive parents and birth children who become adoptive siblings with all that entails. I’d like to see Adoption Sunday generally being broader in approach – taking the family model that step further.
‘Pointing to his disciples, [Jesus] said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”’
Matthew 12:49–50 (NIV)
There is so much more I could say. I’d love to discuss the parallel – if I can speak in the church’s language for a moment – between adopter recruitment and support on one hand, and evangelism and discipleship on the other. I really think we need to see it with the same long-term perspective, otherwise we are setting people up for a very painful, lonely journey.
‘What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.’
James 2:14–17 (NIV)